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Dunkin’ Donuts Steps Up Pro-Littering Campaign

July 20, 2013

Dunkin litter

CANTON, MA — It used to be, claimed an old Dunkin’ Donuts ad, that it was time to make the donuts – now, says the longtime purveyor of fat and cholesterol, it’s time to litter the American landscape with Styrofoam coffee cups, bagel wrappers and empty donut boxes all bearing the orange Dunkin’ Donuts logo. Company executives have introduced a bold new marketing scheme to impose their brand on parks, beaches and streets in the form of litter. They hope to see Dunkin’ Donuts discarded packaging strewn all over such far-out-of-the-way places as under the nose of former nature conservationist, Teddy Roosevelt, at Mount Rushmore; or at the base of the majestic trees in the Redwood Forest; or along the once pristine beaches of the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Nature needs to be exploited as a canvass on which to admire a corporate logo that represents the next big thing: Obesity.

“All we are doing,” said marketing exec, Jackie Onassis, “is taking advantage of what most of our loyal customers are already doing, and that is tossing their shit out of moving cars, or leaving their refuse right there on picnic benches to be blown into rivers or lakes. What better way to get the attention of kayakers?”

FOX News business pundit, Sid Vicious, thinks this is more of Dunkin’ Donuts keeping up with the Joneses, saying: “For years, McDonald’s has enjoyed a commercial bonanza from the fact that its customer base is the most ignorant demographic in America, as noted by the ubiquitous McDonald’s bags, hamburger wrappers and french fry boxes. These items have been stuffed into every crevasse in every city, on bus seats, on curbs, on equestrian statues, in front of Greenpeace activists. What the intelligent public does not know is that McDonald’s customer service people are trained to make a sale, and then to say, ‘Have a nice day, and please don’t forget to be a pig by dropping your half-eaten meal onto the sidewalk.’ Very subliminal, very shrewd.”

The new ploy at Dunkin’ Donuts is to print on all their bags, wrappers and cups a picture of a trash can with a red line through it to insure that the customer does not get any crazy ideas about being a responsible citizen and putting their garbage into a garbage can. That would be bad for business.

“We are especially excited by our growing number of Hispanic customers,” said Onassis. “They have taken to our pro-littering campaign like Ann Coulter taking to murder. Obama winning the election has proved that we are a country that promotes diversity, and nothing promotes diversity more than a Latin family of twelve sitting on a beach eating their Dunkin’ Donuts meal and then leaving a tribal mound of cups, bags and wrappers right there in the sand. America the Beautiful!”

The success of the campaign is already evident, as various sharks, jellyfish and mermaids (with tattoos on their amphibious lower backs) have come ashore to buy Dunkin’ Donuts’ world famous coffee before the morning commute to the Mid-Atlantic Range – and all thanks to the thousands of pounds of orange and white trash being captured by high tide and thereafter brought to the oceanic inhabitants.

“Call me a visionary,” enthused Onassis, “but once humans colonize the moon, my dream is that discarded cups of Dunkin’ Donut coffee and breakfast sandwich wrappers will littered about from the South Pole-Aitken Basin to the elevated rims of Serenitatis. That should put sales through the stratosphere – get it?”

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