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Robert Downey Jr. Learns He’s Robert Downey III

July 7, 2019


Robert Downey

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Robert Downey Jr. has had his share of troubles throughout his career, from his first arrest for drug possession in 1996 to breaking the ribs of Calista Flockhart while shooting a love scene for Ally McBeal. The actor has been sober for a long time now  – a career boom to Downey, though a bust to all the prison guards who used to gawk at his hot visiting wife, Deborah Falconer, and then turn to each other and say, “She wants me.” Now it is rumored that the actor is contemplating a drug binge of Jim Morrison-like dimensions in the wake of learning that he has been going through life with the wrong suffix on his name – that he is not a Junior at all, but rather a Third, as in “Thurston Howell The Third.”

“This changes a lot in terms of Robert’s orientation to his past, present and future” said Downey’s therapist, Jung Adler Freud. “I’m not supposed to divulge to the public what goes on between a doctor and a patient, but, hell, I’m not really a doctor –more like Doctor Phil, whose closest brush with a medical degree was the time he licked the diploma of Doctor Ruth, and look at how so-called Doctor Phil coerces people to bare all the sordid, embarrassing details of their shameless lives on national TV.

“Anyway,” continued Freud, “Robert’s entire mental structure has been conditioned by his being a Junior and all the baggage that comes with having to go through life with an ending to your name that connotes eternal childish dependence. That’s why the forty-nine-year-old Ken Griffey Jr. still wears his baseball hat backwards like a sixteen-year-old kid at a keg party hosted by a skateboarder.”

Freud added that often Juniors live in the shadow of Seniors, which explains why Robert’s father made sure at an early age to remove the Junior from his own name so to avoid that pitfall and thereby enable him to become a respected director and producer. Juniors don’t direct and produce films. Instead they just cause chaos on the set as actors and stage hands who insist on knocking over props to get attention.  The official record shows that Downey Sr.’s real name was Robert Elias, which turns out to be a false name created as a ruse to cover his ancestral tracks.

“Robert is very upset at his dad for foisting on him the burden of being a Junior. He sees it as no more different than a father naming his boy “Sue,” like in the Johnny Cash song, except in this case it was the father who was actually named Sue but decided to transfer the joke to his son. Had the succession worked out in its natural way, Robert would be a Third, with all the dignity inherent in the title. Thirds are aristocrats, above drug addiction and giving two shits about what people think of their movies. Then again, Robert tells me that, as Robert Downey the Third, he probably wouldn’t have even gotten involved in the fickle movie business. He predicts that he would’ve gone into finance, maybe worked his way up at Goldman Sachs, worn nice suits, shaved everyday and had a wife named Beth, who he would’ve made love to three times a week, even during a recession.”

Fans and friends of Downey Jr., now III, are pulling for him to sort through all the anger, regret and the fact that no man named the Third would have dressed up as Iron Man at the age of forty-two. More important, they do not want him to resort to drugs as if he were some kind of Junior.


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