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Jon Stewart an Informant for Paparazzi

January 11, 2014

Jon Stewart

NEW YORK, NY – Actors, politicians and Lynne Cheney are in shock at news that Jon Stewart has been feeding the paparazzi sensitive information about those whom he interviews on The Daily Show. Stewart has been giving precise coordinates as to where celebrities can be found either munching on a donut while cellulite spills over a fluorescent bikini, or tossing a dead cat into a dumpster behind an Amnesty International office, or holding hands with Vince Vaughn AND Vladimir Putin at a state fair in Des Moines, Iowa. In return, the paparazzi have been giving Stewart valuable tips on how to dress like Michael Moore at biker rally pig roast.

Sources on the show, in particular ones named Aasif Mandvi, claim that Stewart has been extracting intel from the  guests in the minutes following the televised interviews when the music is pumped up on the set and Stewart leans forward for what always looks, to viewers at home, like a moment of Now let’s really talk. What is actually being said is something along these lines:

Stewart:  So Gwyneth, tell me, do you soon plan on wearing an unflattering swimsuit? And where and when will that happen?

Paltrow: (Laughing) Oh, Jon, your short stature and self-deprecating humor make you the most non-threatening male since the palace eunuchs of the last great pagan Roman Emperor Julian. So of course I’ll pass onto you private information. Moreover – and, yes, I use the word “moreover” in spontaneous conversation – I will not grow the least suspicious that you want to know details about the next time I will be exiting a Best Buy in nothing but a frowsy yellow bra and panties while smoking a cigar and putting out the ashes on the heads of my unsmiling children.

The man responsible for uncovering this scandal, Rob Riggle, used to be one of The Daily Show’s fake correspondents from 2006-08. He was also in the US Marine Reserves — and once a Marine always a Marine. It was Dick Cheney, husband to Lynne, who recruited Riggle to infiltrate the enemy, The Daily Show, a program that, at the time, was ridiculing George Bush for not being an effective comedian. The consensus on The Daily Show was that Bush tended to laugh too early at his own jokes – an absolute no-no on the comedy circuit. Rob delivered the goods when he found a way to hide beneath Jon Stewart’s desk every night using a straw to breathe from his supine position under the floor, much like an Entertainment Tonight version of Rambo. Riggle left The Daily Show in 2008, whereupon Cheney released the hostages, Ma and Pa Riggle. Cheney then hid the tapes of Stewart’s sly interrogations in a box behind his collection of Nixon’s fake mustaches.

The evidence of this scandal would have remained forgotten in Cheney’s memorabilia room had not Riggle, at his Daily Show going-away party, gotten so drunk that he confessed his double life to fellow correspondent, Aasif Mandvi, who then made it his mission to continue recording Stewart’s invasion of his guest’s privacy using a high-tech long-distance audio recorder that was made by his cousin, Jeff, back in his homeland of India. But Mandvi needed to connect Stewart to the paparazzi, and so one night he followed Stewart, who was wearing a purple trench coat and mirror sunglasses, through the streets of New York City until Stewart met his paparazzi handler in the back of a consignment store. Mandvi held up his long-distance spy-audio-recorder as Stewart told the paparazzi about how later, at midnight, George Clooney would be playing strip-poker with Cher and Al Franken; in return for the information, the paparazzi gave Stewart a large container of hair-gel.

Celebrities have been perplexed over the last eight years as to how Jennifer Aniston could have dug a tunnel out of a Starbucks, and then been escorted by the Mossad to an abandoned Viking ship docked in Memphis, which she rowed to a dry cleaner in the Mississippi Delta, only to be met there by a paparazzi who snapped a picture of her haggling with the clerk about still visible stains on her Prada dress. Now, thanks to the espionage work of super patriot, Rob Riggle, and classic trouble-maker, Aasif Mandvi, the world knows that poor Jen was sold down the river by that rat bastard, Jon Stewart, all because he needed to maintain his addiction to hair-gel.

“We can all breathe easier now,” said tabloid star, Lindsay Lohan, “and get back to being stalked the old fashion way – like having some creep photographer hide in your liquor cabinet for three days, or planting a GPS device in your drug paraphernalia kit.”

Tom Cruise, who was once photographed while taking a dump on a special Scientology toilet that flushed using the power of self-belief, issued the following comment through his new publicist, Barry Bonds: “This just goes to show you about the declining work ethic in this country when the paparazzi takes the easy, lazy route in invading the privacy of another person. Typical heathen sloth.”

Comedy Central is undecided on a suitable punishment for their star, Jon Stewart. Reports suggest that the debate is between a year at Gitmo or the same amount of time as a personal assistant to Carrot Top. Stewart’s lawyer is pushing for Gitmo.

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