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Dead Hamas Suicide Bomber Asks Allah for Another 72 Virgins

September 14, 2013

Allah virgins


HEAVEN – Famed Hamas martyr, Sa’id ibn al-Wazzub, is causing quite the controversy in Islamic Paradise, which shares a celestial border with the Buddhist realm of Samsara (a lot of coming and going at all hours of the night by its citizens either using up, or adding to, their Karma) and the Maori spirit habitat of Kiko-rangi (which has an envious view of the Trifid Nebula). The controversy started when, just last week, Wazzub completed ravishing the last of his allotted seventy-two virgins, houri, and now has no desire to go through the same “splendid companions of equal age (well-matched),” as they were described to him during the recruitment process in Beirut. He is making the unprecedented request to Allah that he be given a new set of the same amount of virgins, “lovely-eyed of modest gaze.”

“This is bull-sheet,” announced Wazzub at a gathering of the multi-heaven media network, GOD. “I was a nineteen-year-old virgin myself when I blew up that bus in Haifa. I hadn’t even stroked my zoub up until that time, if you can believe that, so you can imagine the tension in my semen pouch. It may require another one hundred and forty-four virgins to take care of my problem.”

A reporter from the Mesoamerican realm of Aztlan stood up and fired a question at the young angel leaning on a podium: “Mr. Wazzub, I’ve always been curious about something. What if a young Hamas lady were to strap a bomb to her brazier and detonate it in an Israeli grade school? Is she promised the opportunity to be gang-raped by seventy-two well-hung Islamist stallions?”

“You fool,” snapped Wazzub, who obviously had not gotten any fresh pun-tang during the last week, “don’t you know that all of us living up here in our respective heavens wouldn’t be here if we had used such logical thinking on Earth?”

The Azlan media member persisted: “You mean logic as in why is it that a man whose body was blown to smithereens and is now a spirit would even have sexual urges? Or what kind of heaven is it that makes the orgies of Caligula look like the once-a-week-on-Saturday-night-missionary-position sex between a Christian minister and his wife in the nineteenth century plains of Nebraska?’


Wazzub refused to answer the question as to what is done with the virgins after their deflowerization, though the answer may been right in front of the eyes of those the press conference when they were all served ghost-food and fantasy-drink on trays brought around by veiled young ladies walking kind of funny.

The Allah camp is reported to be playing hardball, issuing the statement that it appreciates the fact that Wuzzub slaughtered eleven Jewish children, a priest, a rabbi and an Irishman, and, best of all, took out the storefront of a Starbucks, but a contract is a contract, and seventy-two virgins had been awarded to the goatish Hamas martyr, as agreed to in a small apartment in Beirut.

Wuzzab knows he has little ground to stand on as dictated by Islamic Law, Sharia, especially since all of Paradise sits on a stellar cloud, but he is hoping that American super lawyer, Bob Mueller, will get whacked by Steve Bannon, so he can thereby represent Wuzzab’s horny cause to Allah and his various lieutenants.


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